OH MY SWEET KALEIGH

me yelling from upstairs...(thinking huh I haven't heard from her in awhile...) Kaleigh where are you?

"eating cheese, right here"

and this is what i found....

i guess i'll have to start paying more attention:)

something to talk about...

I remember I got a phone call today from an agency (finally) but it wasn't a good phone call. We thought maybe going in a direction of foster to adopt would be a good option, but I just don't know how I could give the baby back to a crappy family when I know if they stayed with me I would give them the world and nothing but love. She said well ultimately the goal is to reunite them with their families because the best place for them is with their mom and dad. really because if the state is even involved in a family that's a problem to me...a huge problem!!! and ultimately I don't agree that that is the best place for the kids. I mostly feel like a chicken with my head cut off trying desparately to find a direction to go that will provide me with another child. How sad is that? I know you think well why don't you just do it again, (that's what my family says all the time and I really want to punch them when they ask that). I lost a huge! part of my life after Kaleigh, I was soo sick and anxious and couldn't travel couldn't do anything, it has taken me two years to finally get to the point where I could drive into town and not be so anxious and retarded. Maybe it wasn't due to being pregnant and it was just something that was going to happen but my pregnancy was the worst thing in the whole entire world, I would rather go through the scare and surgery of cancer again then have a baby. Plus in my heart I know this is what I am supposed to do I just thought it would be easier then this...and then to hear or know kids should be reunited with their loser parents, really makes my inards boil.
ok i will quit with my pitty party because really i am quite good at them...:)

time for something new...

I haven't posted in a while so I thought I would post something...but as I sit here I think what do I really have to talk about. Last Friday I got hit so I have been spending a lot of time taking care of that with my car and trying to get it fixed but it will be fixed next week:). Then I have been spending so much time with my cousins lately, and well that always has it's ups and downs. Although Brandon and I have a good time. And then there is work. Oh work, really I got married so I wouldn't have to work. (I know that sounds bad but it's true) It doesn't appeal to me at all it isn't something I enjoy. I love money though!! and having some extra money to spend is always nice. However call me lazy but I just love having nothing that I have to be doing, and I love spending all my time with boo, she is my life and I love being a mom! We'll see how much longer this lasts, however if Dave gets fired because of this crappy market this little job might come in handy:) We could upgrade to a doublewide refrigerator box, and maybe be able to furnish it a little:) as we're living on the streets.

cooking with Kaleigh

the other day I was making some chex mix and Kaleigh wanted to help. It's not often that I cook so this is foreign to Kaleigh but thank goodness my mom thought to take some pictures, because I'm not good at that either, but this was fun!!

we kept telling her to smile but she thinks that means put a cheesey grin on and close your eyes!

oh this trial of mine...

so for those of you that know me i struggle with anxiety, and it's been fairly recent that i have been so open about it, but then again those that know me i am pretty much an open book so keeping this so bottled up inside of me wasn't doing me any good. i haven't left tucson in over 2 years, i know loser, however on friday dave and i went up to phoenix for a couple's conference. it was a huge step!!! and one that was not easy but i accomplished. the weirdest thing was i was so ok to go there and then something triggered me and i freaked out coming home. i just couldn't get home fast enough. i don't know if anyone else has struggled from panic attacks but it is the most horrifying experience one could ever have. i think i would rather be hit by a semi truck then agonize through a panic attack. and then panicking for two hours on the way home, shaking like a leaf and i mean shaking, and there was nothing i could do about it. it's at those moments my testimony goes down the drain and i wonder...really do you hear me because i feel very alone right now and you are not taking this dreadful pain and worry away from me. now i know that's not true and when i am doing good i often forget how much the lord really does do for me, but when you're in it it's the scariest thing you will ever live through in your life. however i made it and that's what's most important, this awful disease has robbed me from years of my life, and for some reason there never seems to be the right answer or the right doctor or cure. what's takin me the longest to get is that you have to except that you have it and learn to live with it. i thought by hiding from it and not telling anyone it would one day go away exactly like it came. however, looking back there were always signs, but i wanted it to go away and not ruin the rest of my life. the more i talked about it the better i felt and the more outlets i find. i still hate it!! and that will never go away! i still don't want to live with it and i don't want it to live with me in my life! some trials we just don't get and we just can't seem to make sense of them, but isn't it such a blessing that we have the gospel to help get us through them. this trial has caused me many long sufferings, and has cost me peices of my live and relationships, but i hold on to that one day when it will all make sense! there will be an ah-ha day at the end of this trial!

Looking Forward

well it's a new day and the election is over which I'm very glad because I'm tired of the phone calls and the stupid commericials, it didn't work out in our favor but we'll pray for the best! However I haven't yet heard from my brother so I am anxiously waiting for a phone call from him to see what this means for our troops. but now I am in Christmas mode...I can't wait until black friday...ahh it's like a drug. you just can't ever get enough of it! i love the deals, the shopping and the people who are right there with me. I also love that I can start watching Christmas Vacation every night, I ususally don't start that until Thanksgiving night, but this year I figure let's just start it early! My poor husband ends up watching the whole thing everynight as I ususally fall asleep during the opening credits or cutting down the Christmas tree. There is always something to look forward too:)

Praying for a miracle...

well it isn't looking good and i'm praying that a miracle happens and Obama will not continue to lead. what is the world full of idiots? I guess this only means that the times are changing for the worse rapidly, all I pray is that my brother returns home from Iraq safely or alive! Even he said we will loose so many more soliders if Obama gets into office. I guess that is just the reality of the second coming, but it still makes me so mad that people have elected this loser! This is when I have to let my control go, and have a little faith:) hopefully we have a republican house, or a house of intellegent people to superseed his wants and changes!! This is too scarey!!!!

My Little Lady Bug

we had sooo much fun at the boo shoot with reyna...well i had fun she wasn't much into it but i thought these were cute pictures. and yes i brought my dogs all dressed up in their costumes too...i'm one of those peopel! :0)-http://rey2cute.squarespace.com/ (check out my dogs)

I got tagged...
10 years ago I...
1. was getting my license
2. was living the single life :) (no worries no nothing)
3. was living off of my parents (ahh even better)
4. lived in greeley, co
5. probably contemplating my prom date or dress

5 things on my "to do" list today (or tomorrow)
1. well i never get one thing done but probably help my cousins out more
2. find some furniture for their place, what a rip off the goodwill and savers is!
3. maybe do laundry but i doubt it i hate it so much
4. eat
5. enjoy friday!

Snacks that I enjoy...
1. fruit
2. english muffins
3. any candy
4. eegee's (I can't get enough of that place)
5. wheat thins

5 things I would do I were a millionaire...
1. oh my heck that makes me gidy even thinking about it...shop til i drop!!!
2. make sure kaleigh has everything for her life
3. make sure my parents are set and my brother, and my cousins
4. build my dream home
5. hope i was a multi millionaire because i would be broke already:)

5 places I have lived...
1. Tucson, AZ
2. Meridian, ID
3. Scottsdale, AZ
4. Greeley, CO
5. well maybe when i'm older i'll have five places or my dream place is anywhere in southern california on the beach!! (dave and i are cali bound,,,that is our dream)

5 jobs I've had...
1. Richmond American
2. Sun Studios
3. UNI Design
4. The Buckle
5. Dairy Queen

I TAG:
well i don't have 5 friends on my blog yet and everyone has been tagged...except for my Allison!! so you're it!! :)

Finally the Birthday pics...

Well so here they are...my photographer is fired (aka my dad) these were lameo pics, but then again I am the mom and never think to take pictures until the last minute!

Service & Safcrifice

Dave and I took on a service project that has left me exhausted and sad! I asked him the other night, "I thought they always say when you are in the service of others you are in the service of your Lord"...boy howdy it hasn't felt that way! My cousins were living with their dad who was evicted from his place because of all my cousins (atleast that's what he says, you never can believe what you hear) the cops were called on them 11 times. Well we decided to step in and help them get into a place and get situated, hoping this would make a difference and be the jump start they need to get their lives back on track. While it's been rewarding to see them finally care about something and get excited, since they come from a hard life, it's also been very trying. I mean these kids have the types of stories you watch on TV and think who in the world goes through this. They were raised on the south side of Tucson...need I say more. I feel like I am watching an episode of locked up when I am with them, but unfortunately that is their normal in a sense. From an early age they had to be fighters to survive their surroundings. They keep telling me their parents did all that they could, finally I called BS on them because doing all they could would be getting out of the flippen ghetto and taking responsibility for all the kids THEY brought into this world. I would never let Kaleigh grow up like that. Despite that I hope that this will show them that their is someone who cares about them, and that they don't need to turn to other things to make a place for themselves in this world. They are such good guys and they deserve a chance!

Looking Back

So the other day I decided I was finally going to tackle going through Kaleigh's old clothes and shoes and box them up! Get rid of the ones I don't want, get my pile ready to go to Bethany, and keep those ones that I just can't seem to let go of. Unfortunately it was much harder then I thought it would be. I put the boxes in the corner of the guest room and just never tended to them and now I know why. It was gut renching going through all of that, wondering but not knowing if I will ever need it again. Why is my baby 2 already? Well atleast it is almost all tackled, I just need to move it out to another location...wherever that will be? Right there next to where I am going to store all my food storage...ugh! I can't imagine what I will be like when she moves out:(

Birthday's OVER!

Wow what an exhausting week. Wednesday Kaleigh turned 2, then Friday Hannah and Kaleigh had a birhtday party, and then Sunday we had a family party for family! Every other day Kaleigh was opening presents she woke up yesterday and said Taleigh's birthday, (can't say her K's), I had to tell her nope it's all over now!Great grandma left today and my aunt left yesterday so now it's time to get back on track and get back to our day to day routine...boring! We had a great time with all of our family, in fact we only see one part of our family when my grandma is in town, which is so sad seeing as how we all live in the same city. It made me sad to see six of my cousins and uncle for the first time in probably 10 years, some I saw for the first time, and a few I saw three years ago. They lived a very hard life and I hate my aunt and uncle for it, I want to adopt them all and give them a home they will feel safe in but they are 17-32 years old now. How do you neglect your children that bad and how do you just turn your child over to the foster care system telling them you can't care for them any longer?! I was actually amazed they all turned out as decent as they are, two of them have served prison time, and the others have all had their share of run ins with the police, but they are still such good kids, I just can't believe all they have been through! However it was great to meet them all again and I am determined to build a relationship with them I just hope I don't get burned! Overall it was a really fun week with family and friends, and of course I am a bad mom who took no pictures, but my dad & Heather did so there will be plenty of pics soon!!

Birthday Mode...

Ok so we are on the countdown til we turn 2!! Anything to take my mind off of this adoption stuff. I am wishing a money tree would appear in my yard so Dave and I could agree on a price to adopt a kid. Isn't that horrible...how much is a kid worth, do you finance them? There are so many questions and no direction. Why don't I just bear and grin it and do it again...well I don't know what is more torturous, going through the adoption process or being pregnant! But this week we are on birthday mode! Kaleigh might just be my only one, and well that means I can give her the world!

Missing Uncle Kevin...

My brother is currently deployed to that crap hole of a place, Iraq. Every night Kaleigh says her prayers she says "thank you for uncle tebin" she cant get the k or the v yet. :) We miss him lots!!!

Kaleigh's growing up :(

Oh how the years go by....

Well it's almost official that I have a 2 year old. Where did the time go? Pretty soon she will hate me and be a teenager, I prefer her now where even when I do get mad at her, 2 seconds later she turns around to give me a squeeze (a hug in Kaleigh's term).

Family Pics

A couple of weeks ago we went out to Reyna's to have family pics taken and these are how some of them turned out. I love them she did such an amazing job!!!

Keeping up with blogging:(

This is difficult to keep up with being a blogger, I don't know if I made the right decision to cross over to the blogging side. We've had an uneventful few weeks other then this whole adoption process might drive me right to the looney bin. Why is it when you have a great home to give a kid who otherwise isn't going to get that, you have to jump through so many hurdles?

Going to the Zoo

Kaleigh's most favorite place is the zoo!!

Highlights

Leaving the hospital and Dave kept telling me to open my eyes wider so they wouldn't look lazy...I don't know if that looks better then lazy eyes:) First Bath at home, not a very happy camper Jake with his new sister! Three days old and already concerned about world peace!

Blast back to the past...

Let's get caught up...

Kaleigh came September 24th, 2006 yes that means I almost have a two year old :( yikes!! There's us leaving for the hospital to go have Kaleigh, I was in so much pain there but my mom insisted on a picture.

Ok so here we are after having her at 7:49pm, I know those lazy eyes kill me. But still feeling like crap right there thought the epideral was going to do me in.

And here is my little boo out of the womb, not happy but she's out!!!

Here we go...

Well here we go, I have finally made the big step in blogging! I figure if I must journal it will be through a blog, and I check everyone else's blog I mise well make one for them to check:)