I remember I got a phone call today from an agency (finally) but it wasn't a good phone call. We thought maybe going in a direction of foster to adopt would be a good option, but I just don't know how I could give the baby back to a crappy family when I know if they stayed with me I would give them the world and nothing but love. She said well ultimately the goal is to reunite them with their families because the best place for them is with their mom and dad. really because if the state is even involved in a family that's a problem to me...a huge problem!!! and ultimately I don't agree that that is the best place for the kids. I mostly feel like a chicken with my head cut off trying desparately to find a direction to go that will provide me with another child. How sad is that? I know you think well why don't you just do it again, (that's what my family says all the time and I really want to punch them when they ask that). I lost a huge! part of my life after Kaleigh, I was soo sick and anxious and couldn't travel couldn't do anything, it has taken me two years to finally get to the point where I could drive into town and not be so anxious and retarded. Maybe it wasn't due to being pregnant and it was just something that was going to happen but my pregnancy was the worst thing in the whole entire world, I would rather go through the scare and surgery of cancer again then have a baby. Plus in my heart I know this is what I am supposed to do I just thought it would be easier then this...and then to hear or know kids should be reunited with their loser parents, really makes my inards boil. ok i will quit with my pitty party because really i am quite good at them...:)
I haven't posted in a while so I thought I would post something...but as I sit here I think what do I really have to talk about. Last Friday I got hit so I have been spending a lot of time taking care of that with my car and trying to get it fixed but it will be fixed next week:). Then I have been spending so much time with my cousins lately, and well that always has it's ups and downs. Although Brandon and I have a good time. And then there is work. Oh work, really I got married so I wouldn't have to work. (I know that sounds bad but it's true) It doesn't appeal to me at all it isn't something I enjoy. I love money though!! and having some extra money to spend is always nice. However call me lazy but I just love having nothing that I have to be doing, and I love spending all my time with boo, she is my life and I love being a mom! We'll see how much longer this lasts, however if Dave gets fired because of this crappy market this little job might come in handy:) We could upgrade to a doublewide refrigerator box, and maybe be able to furnish it a little:) as we're living on the streets.
the other day I was making some chex mix and Kaleigh wanted to help. It's not often that I cook so this is foreign to Kaleigh but thank goodness my mom thought to take some pictures, because I'm not good at that either, but this was fun!!
we kept telling her to smile but she thinks that means put a cheesey grin on and close your eyes!
so for those of you that know me i struggle with anxiety, and it's been fairly recent that i have been so open about it, but then again those that know me i am pretty much an open book so keeping this so bottled up inside of me wasn't doing me any good. i haven't left tucson in over 2 years, i know loser, however on fridaydave and i went up to phoenix for a couple's conference. it was a huge step!!! and one that was not easy but i accomplished. the weirdest thing was i was so ok to go there and then something triggered me and i freaked out coming home. i just couldn't get home fast enough. i don't know if anyone else has struggled from panic attacks but it is the most horrifying experience one could ever have. i think i would rather be hit by a semi truck then agonize through a panic attack. and then panicking for two hours on the way home, shaking like a leaf and i mean shaking, and there was nothing i could do about it. it's at those moments my testimony goes down the drain and i wonder...really do you hear me because i feel very alone right now and you are not taking this dreadful pain and worry away from me. now i know that's not true and when i am doing good i often forget how much the lord really does do for me, but when you're in it it's the scariest thing you will ever live through in your life. however i made it and that's what's most important, this awful disease has robbed me from years of my life, and for some reason there never seems to be the right answer or the right doctor or cure. what's takin me the longest to get is that you have to except that you have it and learn to live with it. i thought by hiding from it and not telling anyone it would one day go away exactly like it came. however, looking back there were always signs, but i wanted it to go away and not ruin the rest of my life. the more i talked about it the better i felt and the more outlets i find. i still hate it!! and that will never go away! i still don't want to live with it and i don't want it to live with me in my life! some trials we just don't get and we just can't seem to make sense of them, but isn't it such a blessing that we have the gospel to help get us through them. this trial has caused me many long sufferings, and has cost me peices of my live and relationships, but i hold on to that one day when it will all make sense! there will be an ah-ha day at the end of this trial!
well it's a new day and the election is over which I'm very glad because I'm tired of the phone calls and the stupid commericials, it didn't work out in our favor but we'll pray for the best! However I haven't yet heard from my brother so I am anxiously waiting for a phone call from him to see what this means for our troops. but now I am in Christmas mode...I can't wait until black friday...ahh it's like a drug. you just can't ever get enough of it! i love the deals, the shopping and the people who are right there with me. I also love that I can start watching Christmas Vacation every night, I ususally don't start that until Thanksgiving night, but this year I figure let's just start it early! My poor husband ends up watching the whole thing everynight as I ususally fall asleep during the opening credits or cutting down the Christmas tree. There is always something to look forward too:)
well it isn't looking good and i'm praying that a miracle happens and Obama will not continue to lead. what is the world full of idiots? I guess this only means that the times are changing for the worse rapidly, all I pray is that my brother returns home from Iraq safely or alive! Even he said we will loose so many more soliders if Obama gets into office. I guess that is just the reality of the second coming, but it still makes me so mad that people have elected this loser! This is when I have to let my control go, and have a little faith:) hopefully we have a republican house, or a house of intellegent people to superseed his wants and changes!! This is too scarey!!!!