oh this trial of mine...

so for those of you that know me i struggle with anxiety, and it's been fairly recent that i have been so open about it, but then again those that know me i am pretty much an open book so keeping this so bottled up inside of me wasn't doing me any good. i haven't left tucson in over 2 years, i know loser, however on friday dave and i went up to phoenix for a couple's conference. it was a huge step!!! and one that was not easy but i accomplished. the weirdest thing was i was so ok to go there and then something triggered me and i freaked out coming home. i just couldn't get home fast enough. i don't know if anyone else has struggled from panic attacks but it is the most horrifying experience one could ever have. i think i would rather be hit by a semi truck then agonize through a panic attack. and then panicking for two hours on the way home, shaking like a leaf and i mean shaking, and there was nothing i could do about it. it's at those moments my testimony goes down the drain and i wonder...really do you hear me because i feel very alone right now and you are not taking this dreadful pain and worry away from me. now i know that's not true and when i am doing good i often forget how much the lord really does do for me, but when you're in it it's the scariest thing you will ever live through in your life. however i made it and that's what's most important, this awful disease has robbed me from years of my life, and for some reason there never seems to be the right answer or the right doctor or cure. what's takin me the longest to get is that you have to except that you have it and learn to live with it. i thought by hiding from it and not telling anyone it would one day go away exactly like it came. however, looking back there were always signs, but i wanted it to go away and not ruin the rest of my life. the more i talked about it the better i felt and the more outlets i find. i still hate it!! and that will never go away! i still don't want to live with it and i don't want it to live with me in my life! some trials we just don't get and we just can't seem to make sense of them, but isn't it such a blessing that we have the gospel to help get us through them. this trial has caused me many long sufferings, and has cost me peices of my live and relationships, but i hold on to that one day when it will all make sense! there will be an ah-ha day at the end of this trial!